memos

for the animals: a reflection on one year of veganism

i share a duplex with a millennial couple. i say this like it's a bad thing because while i'm a millennial i feel like the older millennials are a different breed. they're into guns but also liberals, the guy is into MtG and only listens to music with "real instruments", and the lady named her dog after the girl from Harry Potter. they're how you'd say... cheugy? maybe a gen-Zer would say "cringe"? they're good neighbors.

we share a backyard where our dogs go out to play and potty. one of their dogs hates my dog which is funny because he absolutely pays her zero mind, the other dog LOVES me and my dog is indifferent to her. they play sometimes though - my dog is very high energy and it's difficult for other dogs to tolerate him so i appreciate the social interaction others are willing to spend on him.

i adopted my dog in February of last year and we got off to an awkward start - mainly due to me not realizing what i was getting myself into with a border collie. admittedly, i was amidst a manic episode when i made the decision to adopt him and upon the depressive episode that followed i was smacked with the biggest "oh fuck, i'm responsible for a high-maintenance living creature now". though do not fret, we have plenty of outside time together and he is provided many enriching activities. he demands a lot of my attention and i wouldn't have it any other way - he's a very good friend.

because my neighbors are very loud and proud about the fact they carry guns, our backyard is under protection. motion sensors that alert them when the backyard is in use, motion sensing lights; stuff like that. there's a little step stool at the end of the backyard where the fence meets the sidewalk for them to get up to the motion sensing light on top of the fence if need be. i was out playing fetch with Finn one day a few months into having him in my home and i accidentally threw the tennis ball he was playing with under the step stool. Finn having never interacted with the step stool a single time, and without any hesitation proceeded to use his snout to move the step stool out of the way to gain access to the ball and then pushed it back into place. he came back to drop the ball for me to continue throwing and me, mouth agape, said to him "wow, you're a smart one huh?". that ended up being a deeply spiritual moment for me.

because our relationship got off to an awkward start, i had some issues with training him initially. while he's very good at recall, i was living with cats at some point and his herding instinct was making the cats uncomfortable. perhaps half herding instinct and the other half him just wanting to play - poor guy just wanted a friend. regardless: the cats were NOT about it. i remembered the lady i adopted the dog from gave me an electric collar when i got him. "i use this for him on the buzz and the beep, but never the shock. a beep for when he won't respect the cats space and a buzz for if he doesn't listen, but the beep usually does the job". the idea of an electric collar did not sit right with me, but i tried leaving it in the main living space and beeping when necessary. this didn't work as well as instilling a "leave it" command in him in the long run, but before figuring that out i was still wondering if i could utilize the electric collar. at no point did i want to use the shock function, but i did some research on it and found conflicting testimonies from both sides on the use of shock collars. i couldn't bring myself to believe it was an effective training method and i did not want to risk the trust of this animal who depends on me for shelter, nutrients, care, safety - but i thought "well, people use these all the time. how bad can it truly be?" and tested it... on myself. i can tell you it certainly did not feel good. how can people subject another living being to something like that? perhaps a misunderstanding on the pain tolerance of an animal? how would you even know if they cannot tell you? despite being adamant about not using the shock function in the first place, i was ashamed the thought it could benefit Finn's training had even crossed my mind - that this creature so expressive and so smart would respond to fear better than enforcing good habits through rewarding the desirable behaviors. yet another spiritual moment for me.

this was in April of last year. fast forward to the last week of May: i am in Central Florida for a weekend out. my mom and i's birthdays are 4 days apart. mine is on the 11th, hers on the 8th. i turned 30 and she turned 50, two big years. she wanted to celebrate with something big, and while i'm not one to celebrate birthdays i would oblige because well, that's my mother. the idea of a cruise was thrown around while we were initially putting out things to do for our birthdays, to which i was not receptive to whatsoever. we kind of dropped the discussion and a few days before my birthday we were just like "how about Disney World lol?". i grew up about 45 minutes out from Disney so it's basically at-home to me, granted i didn't go much when i lived down there. i could count on one hand how many times i've went, and twice was getting volunteer hours for a high school project. my mom is very "Disney Adult" and i could not care less about it, but i appreciate good quality time with her and my sister so we planned for the last weekend of May for me to drive on down

we did two days across multiple parks. the first day my mom got a breakfast reservation at... i wouldn't be able to tell you where. it was some log cabin-inspired thing, i don't know. they had breakfast food. i remember going to order and they had a vegan option, tofu scramble and impossible sausage with fake cheese i think? i remember the waiter making fun of it as we ordered. my mom, sister, and i all did the same thing: breakfast buffet, all you can eat. i'm a breakfast fan. when i was hitting the gym regularly i was a "four eggs a day" kind of person. honestly i could eat breakfast foods all three meals of the day for the rest of my life and be happy. unfortunately, this means i was unable to control myself with the "all you can eat" portion of the meal. i am not exaggerating when i say i ate so much i thought i was going to die. i remember walking Animal Kingdom after the meal and feeling the muscles in my head tense in a new way and genuinely thought i was having a stroke. maybe that was my body telling me "you're 30". i evidently survived, but unbeknownst to me; that meal had shifted some of my perspectives on food that i would not realize until i could reflect on the situation. the primary takeaway was thinking about my consumption habits, primarily over-consumption. i was feeling very American and in the kind of gross way you never want to feel.

Disney is... Disney. i like Animal Kingdom the most because it's the least "Disney" and i get to see cool animals. i did like the Muppets stuff at... i think it was Hollywood Studios? i actually happened to catch the last day the Muppets 4D show was playing which was kind of a highlight. i was moreso happy to be spending time with my mom and my sister and they kind of led the itinerary because they knew i had no input on any Disney-related things.

my mom is super into Toy Story. it was my favorite movie as a kid when it first came out (which honestly as a technical marvel, i still appreciate a great deal even now) and she never really let go of that. it's kind of embarrassing but that's her lol. they have a little Toy Story themed part of one of the parks, i think Hollywood Studios again? not too sure but either way: she was super excited to take me there. one thing she was excited to take me to was the restaurant in that part of the park. it was a Woody-themed restaurant which happened to be ANOTHER FUCKIN' BUFFET!! all you can eat barbecue. do you think i learned my lesson from the prior day? absolutely not. admittedly: the food was very good. probably the best ribs i'd ever eaten in all honesty. something about "all you can eat" i take as a challenge - a challenge i lose every time. i was in actual pain the whole rest of the day that i could not fully enjoy myself. i remember us all walking through EPCOT later on in the night and my mom and sister trying to get me to eat various foods from around the world and i could not bring myself to do it. they understood thankfully, but that was yet another moment i would reflect on later.

i drove home the following day with Finn and took him outside to potty and play fetch. he moved that step stool yet again. smart guy. outside time with him is something i value a lot. i work nights so i make sure i spend plenty of time with him to get the sunlight i would likely not get otherwise. that's good time to be able to just think as well. i had a lot to unpack from my trip and the last few months with Finn as well.

i was obviously stuck on the fact that i was ashamed of my consumption habits tied back to over-indulging in food on my Florida trip. that isn't necessarily a one-time deal either - since i work nights it used to be hard to make time to eat food regularly. often times i'd go weeks where i'd eat 500 calories on days i'd work and then on the weekends just shove 3000 calories of fast food into my slobby fuckin gullet. i'd always rationalize it by telling myself "well, at least i'm eating". i had a very bad relationship with food in my late teens and my 20s. the majority of my 20s was spent starving and once i got myself out of poverty i found it very easy to over-indulge. it was likely something psychological: do i know when my next meal is going to be? better make this one count. even though i've been fine financially, i couldn't quite shake that thought process as it tied into how i treat my body by the sheer volume of food i'd give it in a particular point in time.

another thing i was stuck on during reflecting was something that wasn't necessarily on the forefront of my mind until after that second day at Disney with the over-indulgence at the barbecue place: why meat specifically? i've always toyed with the idea of going vegan. when i lived with an ex girlfriend, we had a regular "steak and rice and vegetable" night. it was almost ritual. we ate a lot of red meat together actually, likely too much. there was a point where we cut back entirely for a month just because we knew we were overdoing it - it led us to trying a vegan restaurant that opened in town at the time. "this is easy, we could go vegan if we wanted to" we'd say. the month came and went and we went back to our old ways. i didn't necessarily want to go vegan at the time, be it cause of my home situation making cooking difficult/near impossible, or the fact i just really enjoyed meat.

something was different now though. just thinking about the past few months realizing how smart my boy Finn is. thinking about the shock collar and the shame i felt even considering using it. why do we treat animals the way we do?. though i'm not religious, i never want to give off the impression i believe in nothing. i've always considered myself spiritual, but i began doing some reading on more concrete belief systems i feel like i fit under nicely. i've talked before about how i feel like everything i do creatively is an extension of my relationship with the world - some hippie universal soul bullshit - though it was shortsighted of me to not extend that to my consumption habits. i was raised to believe us as humans are the only ones with souls, and it took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to unlearn that. not even taking into consideration the gross mistreatment of animals under factory-farming: who am i to benefit from the suffering of an animal who does not have a say in the matter? each individual creature with unique personalities and feelings that we cannot even begin to understand that we don't even consider for a multitude of reasons. we can make that choice to not benefit from that suffering.

i didn't go grocery shopping prior to leaving for Florida that weekend so i came back to a very bare fridge. i had a little bit of milk at the end of the gallon jug so i finished that off as to not waste it and that was the last animal product i've had since 6.5.25, a year ago yesterday since typing this up. i went grocery shopping and didn't replenish on a single animal product and never looked back.

i consider over-indulging at that barbecue place a wake up call for me. a tipping point on my moral scale. i was right, i could go vegan if i wanted to. what's my excuse? any excuse i could muster up is based on pure selfishness. because meat tastes good? grow up. but oh, adhering to a vegan diet is so expensive!! yeah i thought that too until i tried it. tofu is so insanely cheap per gram of protein to dollar amount. tofu also contains a complete amino acid profile! legumes are dirt cheap! i spend so much less on food now than i did as someone who would eat animal products that i feel silly for not adjusting my diet sooner. my relationship with food is so much better now too. i still have the occasional bout of over-eating, but it's much more difficult considering i cannot just go and get fast food from most places - and anywhere i would get fast food from isn't particularly appetizing because i can make it at home with better quality. i still eat my fair share of junk every now and then too. i'm still an autistic adult at the end of the day, so you can never deny me of my (impossible) nuggets and (plant based) mac and "cheese". i can still kill a pack of Oreos like no other, though being more thoughtful of my food intake allows me to control myself a lot better in regards to my overeating.

honestly, i haven't had a single moment where i missed any foods i would once have which surprised me at first but it makes a lot more sense to me now. i don't think anyone who is so staunchly "anti-vegan" even really likes meat as much as they like the satiating feeling they get upon having high-protein meals. your body "craving meat" is really just your body telling you that you need protein and you are conditioned to think meat is the most efficient way to do so. i hear a lot of "tofu is disgusting" from people who haven't tried it, to which i say: skill issue. very genuinely. have you ever had a piece of plain chicken breast? that shit tastes like nothing. same idea with tofu! it's all about the preparation. it's so versatile and you can use it in so many meals! i mentioned earlier how big of a breakfast fan i am, i was worried i'd miss eggs a lot. one of the first ways i prepared tofu was a "tofu scramble" - seasoned the same way i would scrambled eggs, some oat milk after cooking for a more creamy texture. i was under the impression i hated tofu too before i tried it this way. i took a bite and laughed. "why didn't i do this sooner?".

another argument i hear is "you can only get nutrients your body needs from meat". while yes, red meat is very efficient in terms of its delivery of heme iron, vitamin B12/D3/K2, carnosine, and DHA - these are nothing you can not supplement in addition to your diet. this is another empty argument i feel people use to attempt to justify their consumption habits in an attempt to not have to think about the implications of a diet benefiting from eating animals.

i'm sure this may come across as preachy as if i'm really living up to the "annoying vegan" trope. i kinda joked when i started this that i would be insanely annoying about it and truthfully i'm not. the more annoying shit is people making jokes about it at first. or my least favorite thing when i'm trying to make small talk asking someone what they're eating and they smugly respond "something you can't have". at the end of the day, i have to remind myself that any reservations or disdain people may express about my own personal decision in dietary choice stem from a sense of justification of their own habits. if you have not considered the ramifications of how you're getting your nutrients: be it for the animals, for the planet, for your body - it's only natural for you to deflect under the assumption that someone who is challenging that idea is making it a personal attack. i respect the idea that anyones diet is a personal choice. i just wish people would be more mindful about that choice they're making.

i did this not-so-little blog post to record an important period of my life. the last year and some change has comprised of a lot of personal healing, a lot of reflection, a lot more thoughtfulness. my shift in perspective on how my consumption habits have a direct impact on the respect i give back to the universe has led me to be more mindful about how i treat everything and everyone around me, as well as myself. though it doesn't stop at diet, and it's something i work on every single day. i hope i can encourage any reader to be more mindful about how they respect the world around them as well. we're all connected and a little respect goes a long way.

for the animals.

- Trent S.